@noirhexx's post on Artfol
Fantasy Character Artist|She 
|23|TraditionalArtist|WriterFor those who are s*xual assault survivors like I am, How does one deal with dating?
I genuinely need guidance, I'm going to have a official first time relationship with my best friend and it feels right. he's a great guy and I just don't want to mess up.
to keep it short. I was s*xually assaulted in October 30th 2021 by someone who I thought was a friend and he used me at a party. ever since then I've had recurring memories of the event and such.
so far, physical contact terrifies me and I don't know what to do. I have yet to see a therapist but seeing that a community like this has been helpful before I hope I can talk to those who can guide me or anyone else who's struggling.Mar 22, 2022
I genuinely need guidance, I'm going to have a official first time relationship with my best friend and it feels right. he's a great guy and I just don't want to mess up.
to keep it short. I was s*xually assaulted in October 30th 2021 by someone who I thought was a friend and he used me at a party. ever since then I've had recurring memories of the event and such.
so far, physical contact terrifies me and I don't know what to do. I have yet to see a therapist but seeing that a community like this has been helpful before I hope I can talk to those who can guide me or anyone else who's struggling.Mar 22, 2022
#talk
#rant
#guidance
#community
#empowerment
Comments
In many ways, I concur with the above statement. And in many others, it is still heavily recommended to have a balance of both therapy and yourself and your healing throughout this journey.
As a survivor myself, it's never easy. Especially when you immediately get roped into a relationship with someone you trusted for years on end. Getting persistently told I was enough by them and that I'd be respected, later turned out to be a farse and an attempt to get me comfortable enough to finally get away with what they wanted and their perspective of relationship requirements. Thankfully, they instead got away with someone else and I'm extremely relieved that I never allowed their friendship with me override my sense of boundaries to meet their needs. However, in many other ways, there is something to be said about how therapy could've helped me see many signs and many perspectives sooner regarding that situation and my past. If not for their professional help, I'd likely still been thinking I was wrong for holding out on the person I was dating and that fear was the guiding force behind it all.
Therapists (especially those who truly care about their jobs) are there to help folks find a neutral and balanced ground between flight and reason, as well as helping find an understanding of what's going on. Sometimes, listening to your fight or flight response alone will make decisions more difficult on the long run. Some people end up listening to paranoia they never even knew they had until a professional assessed it after all. It even generates biases and extremes that result from trauma response above merely trying to self-preserve. So there's always that gray area as far as how much should you listen to yourself and how much should you listen to someone better prepared. My case is different and my experience seeking therapy is also different. Trauma is a very sensitive topic and it's definitely different for everyone as far as healing goes, but people get exceptional study to help address trauma, which is the one global fact at least.
So in short, you should pursue a balance during this journey between self-help and professional help. Don't rush yourself and don't let your partner rush you either no matter what. Focus on finding inner peace and, most of all, focus on defeating that which continues gnawing at your mind. It's okay to acknowledge experience, but it's not healthy to let it linger every day either. Especially when it can affect a relationship beyond just romantic. Of course that doesn't mean "if no sexy time, no relationship," but it does mean you should find a comfortable point in some healthy way. Hoping everything turns out though, and many good vibes sent as strength for this journey.
As a survivor myself, it's never easy. Especially when you immediately get roped into a relationship with someone you trusted for years on end. Getting persistently told I was enough by them and that I'd be respected, later turned out to be a farse and an attempt to get me comfortable enough to finally get away with what they wanted and their perspective of relationship requirements. Thankfully, they instead got away with someone else and I'm extremely relieved that I never allowed their friendship with me override my sense of boundaries to meet their needs. However, in many other ways, there is something to be said about how therapy could've helped me see many signs and many perspectives sooner regarding that situation and my past. If not for their professional help, I'd likely still been thinking I was wrong for holding out on the person I was dating and that fear was the guiding force behind it all.
Therapists (especially those who truly care about their jobs) are there to help folks find a neutral and balanced ground between flight and reason, as well as helping find an understanding of what's going on. Sometimes, listening to your fight or flight response alone will make decisions more difficult on the long run. Some people end up listening to paranoia they never even knew they had until a professional assessed it after all. It even generates biases and extremes that result from trauma response above merely trying to self-preserve. So there's always that gray area as far as how much should you listen to yourself and how much should you listen to someone better prepared. My case is different and my experience seeking therapy is also different. Trauma is a very sensitive topic and it's definitely different for everyone as far as healing goes, but people get exceptional study to help address trauma, which is the one global fact at least.
So in short, you should pursue a balance during this journey between self-help and professional help. Don't rush yourself and don't let your partner rush you either no matter what. Focus on finding inner peace and, most of all, focus on defeating that which continues gnawing at your mind. It's okay to acknowledge experience, but it's not healthy to let it linger every day either. Especially when it can affect a relationship beyond just romantic. Of course that doesn't mean "if no sexy time, no relationship," but it does mean you should find a comfortable point in some healthy way. Hoping everything turns out though, and many good vibes sent as strength for this journey.
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•Idk everyone is different
I can't tell you how to deal with your own trauma. I can only tell you how I dealt with it.
I don't worry abt messing shit up bc that's not on me to consider. I'm the one with the trauma, ppl should respect MY boundaries. Not the other way around.
If someone rly cares abt you, they will respect your trauma and your boundaries no matter wtf it is. If they have a problem with it then it's a red flag that they do not care abt you in the slightest.
I do not like ppl touching me whatsoever. It does not matter what it is. Handshake, shoulder pat, hugs. I can't stand it, it makes my skin crawl due to my exp. I'm also extremely s-- repulsed as well. There's only some times I'm OK with it but it's rly finicky due to trauma. Most times it's not OK.
I've been with ppl who didn't respect my boundaries and it's not a fun time. I don't feel good. And I don't tolerate it. I always come out of it full of regrets bc I didn't enforce my boundaries. I was guilted into doing things I didn't want to do.
I'm with someone who does respect my trauma. And it's a much happier time. My s/o knows what's fine & what's not fine bc I told him so. I didn't hide it or try to tolerate it. The result is that I'm nvr forced to do anything I don't want to & I nvr get touched unless I give permission or acknowledgement first.
I also have a friend that's extremely careful around me due to knowing abt my exp. It may seem excessive, but I feel it is easier to overcome these kinds of experiences when it's done at a pace that I've decided for myself instead of forcing myself to get over it for the sake of not inconveniencing other ppl. That just makes it worse & builds resentment.
If you are honest & lay out your boundaries and it somehow scares away your friend then he was nvr a friend to you to begin with.
Think abt it.
I can't tell you how to deal with your own trauma. I can only tell you how I dealt with it.
I don't worry abt messing shit up bc that's not on me to consider. I'm the one with the trauma, ppl should respect MY boundaries. Not the other way around.
If someone rly cares abt you, they will respect your trauma and your boundaries no matter wtf it is. If they have a problem with it then it's a red flag that they do not care abt you in the slightest.
I do not like ppl touching me whatsoever. It does not matter what it is. Handshake, shoulder pat, hugs. I can't stand it, it makes my skin crawl due to my exp. I'm also extremely s-- repulsed as well. There's only some times I'm OK with it but it's rly finicky due to trauma. Most times it's not OK.
I've been with ppl who didn't respect my boundaries and it's not a fun time. I don't feel good. And I don't tolerate it. I always come out of it full of regrets bc I didn't enforce my boundaries. I was guilted into doing things I didn't want to do.
I'm with someone who does respect my trauma. And it's a much happier time. My s/o knows what's fine & what's not fine bc I told him so. I didn't hide it or try to tolerate it. The result is that I'm nvr forced to do anything I don't want to & I nvr get touched unless I give permission or acknowledgement first.
I also have a friend that's extremely careful around me due to knowing abt my exp. It may seem excessive, but I feel it is easier to overcome these kinds of experiences when it's done at a pace that I've decided for myself instead of forcing myself to get over it for the sake of not inconveniencing other ppl. That just makes it worse & builds resentment.
If you are honest & lay out your boundaries and it somehow scares away your friend then he was nvr a friend to you to begin with.
Think abt it.
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