Scissors, droplets of blood
"Vanity"
That's a self-portrait I've done few weeks before(She's cutting her face in the same manner one can cut hair, she's not hurting herself, she's trying to regain control, in the same way when someone dye their hair to try to " flick a certain switch " in their brain (yes I do that) )
Writing behind it, written by me :
Its funny that the artwork that is about my lack of self perception, requires self perception
.I look in the mirror
I dont recognise myself , or i do
I don't know ..
What i know that i fear to look again because i literally forget how I look.
It feels weird, its either too much
Trying to make sense of my face ..
Understand it
Familiarise it
But still..
I wake up not knowing how I would look
Which funnily, makes me not wanting to get up, because I pass 2 mirrors to go to the bathroom
And I'm not ready to see what I don't know
Funnily enough..
I found myself not looking at the mirror of my bedroom ,not looking at the mirror in the bathroom until I wash my face .
I don't do that consciously.
Or that , I look and just can't keep looking
I don't know my face ..
"Not in I've grown" way
But in "thats not my fucking face" way
My hair is too long
Too annoying
My eyes are too small
Face too big
The thing is ...
I don't even know how do I look
I hate self portraits because I cant perceive myself
I've always struggled with this but now its worse
Before I would recognise myself in a mirror, but see imperfections, or that I just see how different I am in pictures vs mirrors
Now..
I avoid mirrors until im getting ready , I would wake up, pass by my bedroom mirror, bathroom and dont know how bad my hair looked
Maybe I would look just to adjust my hair, nothing else
Used to be so obsessed with looking at the mirror, like I would spend an hour or so just looking at myself, yeah still wasn't able to perceive myself but I recognised myself
Now looking in the mirror meaning I need to adjust how I look, get nervous, confused
Caught my reflection in the metro window and I started obsessively trying to adjust my scarf and hating it still looked weird
I would spend a day or two barely looking in a mirror until I forgot how I look, I just know my hair is too overgrown, and my skin is too scarred and imperfect and looking in the mirror is just for necessity
Its not that I hate the way I look
Its that I dont know who's face thats staring back at meAug 17, 2025
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