@cierras_decay's post on Artfol
super duper personal ramblings that may be triggering
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This past weekend has been rough I guess. I've been producing art a lot more compared to last year, which isn't a lot but it's something at least. I feel more motivated to create. The relationship I have with my boyfriend is strained and it's my fault and I own that. He wanted to give me a second chance but I declined saying that I'm don't feel ready to get back into a relationship so soon after we had an argument and went a few days without speaking. It didn't seem healthy because I know I have my own issues to work on and I don't want to be a burden to him when he's already so stressed out about work and stuff. I hate being emotional baggage for people. He deserves better than to deal with me when I'm like this.
I've been meaning to start working out more and taking care of myself better since I tend to neglect myself a lot. Not cleaning my room, unstable sleep schedule, etc. I still haven't gotten around to working out which makes me feel disappointed in myself cuz I feel like I've been putting it off for so long. Like if I don't start now then one day im gonna wake up and wonder: what happened to me? How did I let myself go?
I've been going more since I reconneced with a friend from high school, who's really my only friend. My social battery gets drained so quickly and it usually takes me like a week or two to mentally prepare myself to hang out again, but other than that I like it, even if there's really not much to do here because of Covid.
I've also been looking into getting a therapist or at least trying it out once or twice to see how it goes. I don't have a lot of money saved up, but I have enough to afford at least a session or two, depending on the therapist. I've been meaning to get one for so long because I thought I had ADHD but it seems like the consensus between my boyfriend and friends is that it's not ADHD, but BPD. It honestly makes a lot of sense.
Ever since I was little I've always been aware I had anger issues, and though it took me a long time to realize this, I realized I'm actually a very sensitive and emotional person who just internalizes everything and puts up a hard intimidating shell at any sign of conflict because I didn't have parents who were emotionally available to me when I was young and allowed me to express myself freely. My parents are chill now, no hate towards them, but it would've been nice to not feel some hostility or annoyance from them whenever I needed something or would lash out when frustrated. Especially from my mom. She had me young so a lot of my early memories is her being frustrated or angry at me or at the world or something. I don't rly blame her.
Idk this is getting too long I just needed to vent. I had an episode today and in physical pain bc of it and I just rly need to see a therapist soon, I've always been denied one bc of money and bc my parents don't rly believe in that, so now I gotta take matters into my own hands and figure this out. I just need a good excuse to leave the house so my parents don't ask too many questions. So weird how I an be legally an adult yet still feel like I have no agency over my life.
Anyways new art coming soon :PApr 20, 2021
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This past weekend has been rough I guess. I've been producing art a lot more compared to last year, which isn't a lot but it's something at least. I feel more motivated to create. The relationship I have with my boyfriend is strained and it's my fault and I own that. He wanted to give me a second chance but I declined saying that I'm don't feel ready to get back into a relationship so soon after we had an argument and went a few days without speaking. It didn't seem healthy because I know I have my own issues to work on and I don't want to be a burden to him when he's already so stressed out about work and stuff. I hate being emotional baggage for people. He deserves better than to deal with me when I'm like this.
I've been meaning to start working out more and taking care of myself better since I tend to neglect myself a lot. Not cleaning my room, unstable sleep schedule, etc. I still haven't gotten around to working out which makes me feel disappointed in myself cuz I feel like I've been putting it off for so long. Like if I don't start now then one day im gonna wake up and wonder: what happened to me? How did I let myself go?
I've been going more since I reconneced with a friend from high school, who's really my only friend. My social battery gets drained so quickly and it usually takes me like a week or two to mentally prepare myself to hang out again, but other than that I like it, even if there's really not much to do here because of Covid.
I've also been looking into getting a therapist or at least trying it out once or twice to see how it goes. I don't have a lot of money saved up, but I have enough to afford at least a session or two, depending on the therapist. I've been meaning to get one for so long because I thought I had ADHD but it seems like the consensus between my boyfriend and friends is that it's not ADHD, but BPD. It honestly makes a lot of sense.
Ever since I was little I've always been aware I had anger issues, and though it took me a long time to realize this, I realized I'm actually a very sensitive and emotional person who just internalizes everything and puts up a hard intimidating shell at any sign of conflict because I didn't have parents who were emotionally available to me when I was young and allowed me to express myself freely. My parents are chill now, no hate towards them, but it would've been nice to not feel some hostility or annoyance from them whenever I needed something or would lash out when frustrated. Especially from my mom. She had me young so a lot of my early memories is her being frustrated or angry at me or at the world or something. I don't rly blame her.
Idk this is getting too long I just needed to vent. I had an episode today and in physical pain bc of it and I just rly need to see a therapist soon, I've always been denied one bc of money and bc my parents don't rly believe in that, so now I gotta take matters into my own hands and figure this out. I just need a good excuse to leave the house so my parents don't ask too many questions. So weird how I an be legally an adult yet still feel like I have no agency over my life.
Anyways new art coming soon :PApr 20, 2021
#bpd
#monologue
#therapy
Comments
No comments yet
