Personal turmoil
Yet Another old Work Doodle
Pen on scrapI hate myself on a fundamental level.
My only hobby and creative skill that I've bothered to really hone is illustration, and due to a lack of drive and self esteem, I've plateaued. I can create quick fun doodles very easily, I've worked on storyboards, done full comics, and have thrown together an effective animation in an afternoon but the pursuit feels meaningless to me now. I want to get better, and have nothing left to burn for such results.
This along with what I thought were redeeming qualities I had and actually lack leave me feeling like a person that eats, sleeps, and works to actively take up space for the artists- the people more deserving.
It's a silly edgy little doodle of me laying comfortably in a coffin. It's dumb; I want to be cremated.
There's an artist I look up to who is among the most skilled traditional illustrators of our time and I'll occasionally run into a post of his. I can feel the self loathing in his delivery. I wanted to be just like him as an artist and nothing like him as a person. I've gone and done the opposite; There's still a chasm between my skill level and his and yet I think my nihilism is right on par.
None of this matters. I wanted to get on some form of art sharing site to find art friends and build rapport like im the old deviantART days. Those days never really existed. Memory plays favorites.
I'm gonna instead do what I actually used to do and use this account as a little archive of art and angst until I just decide to take up journaling again.Jun 23, 2026
#diary
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